baseball blues
And so it begins. Again.
With so much on my mind right now (boys, school, money), I can hardly afford the mental energy to try and comprehend the complexities of joinging a ball team. And yet, I am, I must.
I was nervous today, my first practice with the team, but I soon found that they were like all other teams. With their ringers and their newbies...all impressed by my play. Sigh. I am so torn between wanting to impress people and wanting them not to notice me.
The practice was so much like every other first practice that it was almost creepy. I started out by not playing anywhere high profile, but eventually moved into the infield. And then made a high profile play (a double play!) and then hit a home run at my next at bat. People don't soon forget you when you play like that.
I'm so torn. I mean I'm good but I'm not incredible. My skill stems from over a decade of experience. My GOD - OVER A DECADE. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with my self. But I love the game. I love the thrill. And even their ringers made errors...but then I should be happy...but instead I got a little bored. Started noticing things that should be changed...but I kept my tongue. Though I did give a little advice, unsolicited, to one person. I felt guilty...but I kept it low-key and I think she appreciated it...sigh...I hate being so self-conscious about it.
I guess I am gun shy after the profoundly negative end-experiences I have had with my last two teams...but is it me? I know the drill....spectacular play at the start of the season, while I am playing for the love of the game, but with my performance dropping and dropping when I start thinking and worrying and feeling doubt. Hell. What am I gonna do with me.
With so much on my mind right now (boys, school, money), I can hardly afford the mental energy to try and comprehend the complexities of joinging a ball team. And yet, I am, I must.
I was nervous today, my first practice with the team, but I soon found that they were like all other teams. With their ringers and their newbies...all impressed by my play. Sigh. I am so torn between wanting to impress people and wanting them not to notice me.
The practice was so much like every other first practice that it was almost creepy. I started out by not playing anywhere high profile, but eventually moved into the infield. And then made a high profile play (a double play!) and then hit a home run at my next at bat. People don't soon forget you when you play like that.
I'm so torn. I mean I'm good but I'm not incredible. My skill stems from over a decade of experience. My GOD - OVER A DECADE. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with my self. But I love the game. I love the thrill. And even their ringers made errors...but then I should be happy...but instead I got a little bored. Started noticing things that should be changed...but I kept my tongue. Though I did give a little advice, unsolicited, to one person. I felt guilty...but I kept it low-key and I think she appreciated it...sigh...I hate being so self-conscious about it.
I guess I am gun shy after the profoundly negative end-experiences I have had with my last two teams...but is it me? I know the drill....spectacular play at the start of the season, while I am playing for the love of the game, but with my performance dropping and dropping when I start thinking and worrying and feeling doubt. Hell. What am I gonna do with me.
posted by Camel at 7:11 p.m.
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