Up till 2 again
I have accidentally fallen into the habit of going to bed at 2am. So tonight when I tried to go to sleep early, well..here I am....pondering my life...well, pondering boys.
Roomie always says that when she dies she wants to regret the things she did do, not the things she didn't. Lying in bed tonight, that came to mean something to me.
I finally got a text message from the firefighter tonight. Just one mind you. But one, none the same. Jesse has emailed me a few times this week and I've been very hesitant about responding. I have responded, but I'm afraid that I will misintrep his flirtings. That they don't really mean anything.
Thinking about the Firefighter got me thinking about Sesame Street. And thinking how very much I had enjoyed the other boy I got with. And feeling somewhat sorry that I didn't try to stay in touch. But also realizing that I just can't balance feelings for more than one boy at a time, and the Firefighter was so much more salient and aggressive.
Thinking about Jesse made me think of SNAFU of houseboating...how I really can't make the situation make sense. And wondered yet again, what he is/was thinking.
And as I always do, I started to feel guilty about all of them. And then it hit. These were good experiences. All of them. And even though they may not have been smart, and even though I feel regretfull about them in some ways, I don't feel regretfull about them in ALL ways. And so, I feel ok.
So anyway, the point is that if you're a drame a junkie like me, you are most likely going to deny, deny, deny until the most emotional, most passionate moment, and then throw caution to the wind. And maybe that will be expensive. But that moment is worth it.
Roomie always says that when she dies she wants to regret the things she did do, not the things she didn't. Lying in bed tonight, that came to mean something to me.
I finally got a text message from the firefighter tonight. Just one mind you. But one, none the same. Jesse has emailed me a few times this week and I've been very hesitant about responding. I have responded, but I'm afraid that I will misintrep his flirtings. That they don't really mean anything.
Thinking about the Firefighter got me thinking about Sesame Street. And thinking how very much I had enjoyed the other boy I got with. And feeling somewhat sorry that I didn't try to stay in touch. But also realizing that I just can't balance feelings for more than one boy at a time, and the Firefighter was so much more salient and aggressive.
Thinking about Jesse made me think of SNAFU of houseboating...how I really can't make the situation make sense. And wondered yet again, what he is/was thinking.
And as I always do, I started to feel guilty about all of them. And then it hit. These were good experiences. All of them. And even though they may not have been smart, and even though I feel regretfull about them in some ways, I don't feel regretfull about them in ALL ways. And so, I feel ok.
So anyway, the point is that if you're a drame a junkie like me, you are most likely going to deny, deny, deny until the most emotional, most passionate moment, and then throw caution to the wind. And maybe that will be expensive. But that moment is worth it.
posted by Camel at 2:07 a.m.
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