lost in a sea of me
well, he finally managed to put into words his reasons for being incommunicado the last little while. I guess his reasons are as good as any, basically amounting to him not having the energy see me on top of do his job....which seems strange because how is seeing me too much with his job....doesn't he mean its too much with his job and his girlfriend? I guess that's what i'm interpretting.
For all intents and purposes he's broken up with me and I think i should feel something, but I don't right now and I'm not sure why.
Mostly I'm concerned about whether I want to bother playing volleyball. On the one hand, not playing would mean I never see him, I assume but on the other hand, how would me continuing to play go? His yank pal now can't stand me I'm sure for reasons more annoying than i care to share. Plus I would need a ride every week. Would it be fair to get a ride with my one friend every time? Shorty would probably be a bit suspicious, and it would be kind of unfair. Or does he think he'd still be picking me up occasionally?
i guess if anything I'm pissed that he can't make up his mind same as ever. Nothing's changed really. Things will still go as I expect them. Now that he's created distance with me, he no longer HAS to choose. And that is how it will go. I guess that upsets me. That he is in effect choosing to stay with someone I think is so wrong for him. I guess it means to me that he's a coward and that makes me sad. It also makes me sad having to start over. To find someone, to find someone who works. Some days I'm sure this will never happen again. Most days.
So how do I feel? Numb. Nothing's changed. Things will go on like the last two weeks. It's not like setting me free is going to change things. I'm still going to wish there was someone who worked for me and there won't be that someone. I guess on some level I always knew that someday I would have to accept that I would be single for ever, and maybe that day is today.
When I think about my life, I feel like there's nothing to it but work. I work because there is nothing else that makes me feel successful. At least I feel a bit happy when I finish a project. I have no lust for life anymore. I think he has been it for a very long time.....I guess this makes me sad.
For all intents and purposes he's broken up with me and I think i should feel something, but I don't right now and I'm not sure why.
Mostly I'm concerned about whether I want to bother playing volleyball. On the one hand, not playing would mean I never see him, I assume but on the other hand, how would me continuing to play go? His yank pal now can't stand me I'm sure for reasons more annoying than i care to share. Plus I would need a ride every week. Would it be fair to get a ride with my one friend every time? Shorty would probably be a bit suspicious, and it would be kind of unfair. Or does he think he'd still be picking me up occasionally?
i guess if anything I'm pissed that he can't make up his mind same as ever. Nothing's changed really. Things will still go as I expect them. Now that he's created distance with me, he no longer HAS to choose. And that is how it will go. I guess that upsets me. That he is in effect choosing to stay with someone I think is so wrong for him. I guess it means to me that he's a coward and that makes me sad. It also makes me sad having to start over. To find someone, to find someone who works. Some days I'm sure this will never happen again. Most days.
So how do I feel? Numb. Nothing's changed. Things will go on like the last two weeks. It's not like setting me free is going to change things. I'm still going to wish there was someone who worked for me and there won't be that someone. I guess on some level I always knew that someday I would have to accept that I would be single for ever, and maybe that day is today.
When I think about my life, I feel like there's nothing to it but work. I work because there is nothing else that makes me feel successful. At least I feel a bit happy when I finish a project. I have no lust for life anymore. I think he has been it for a very long time.....I guess this makes me sad.
posted by Camel at 12:40 p.m.
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