standing there

Sigh. I watch us talk and shake my head in frustration. I'm so frustrated with you, with the situation, with myself, that i can't bear to be affectionate. I want to say "I need a hug," but I can't. I don't want to be weak. And i'm so frustrated I am afraid i would start raging at you anyway. I want you to say it's going to be ok. That you love me and miss me and wish you were here with me. But that's not how it is. In the end, i know. I know that it's the easier path and the one that will satisfy the stronger need, the need for kids. I have been honest with you. And it is killing me to know that all of the work i put into this relationship will be for nothing.

I know it is hard to leave someone after so long. It makes the year and a half that I have put in seem like nothing. But i don't want to start over either. You may be older, but I'm still running out of time. Someone will have to start over, and i know it will be me.

And it kills me all the more because of how good our relationship is/was.

My heart is already broken. I can feel it. And just like last time i can see myself sitting here and taking no action.