you're beautiful

i have to say that my life feels only mildly out of control right now. Unfortunately, i feel a mite too lazy to do anything so that control is being ignored somewhat.

Everything is in flux. Here's a list of things I'm feeling right now. It's a wonder my head doesn't explode:

1. Frustration with not being able to talk to Timbuctoo about kids
2. Frustration with Timbuctoo because I can't see him more often because this is all a big dumb secret
3. Stressed about getting this paper written and published
4. Stressed about organizing my data properly and usefully
5. Stressed about sounding dumb to my supervisors
6. Annoyed that I am spending so much money on beer
7. Weary of working so much
   
8. Bored of organizing data
9. Annoyed that I am not working on the database calendar thingy I should have finished in April
10. Ashamed that I haven't been doing my workouts
11. Sore from finally working out last week
12. Worried about my blood sugars
13. Scared that Timbuctoo will choose to stay with his gf because I have to finish my PhD when I don't know if I do
14. Frustrated that I don't know if I want to do my PhD
15. Excited about softball with the fun team in the other town
16. Scared about soccer
17. Excited about soccer
18. Anxious about hockey

sigh. I wish things would even out. I just want to have Timbcutoo's undivided attention for a few hours so I can tell him how I feel about kids and school. I just want to know he knows how I feel about it and then I don't have to feel worried. I want him to make a decision but I am terrified to cut things off between us in the meantime because I feel like that would just give him an excuse to not make a decision.