Somewhere only we know
It's been sooo long since I posted. And everytime I sit down at my comptuer I want to write and write but I'm too stressed out to do it. I don't know why. I'm too stressed to do any of the things that would make it better. How ridiculous.
On the other hand, as I failed to have any morals/balls on Friday yet again, perhaps I just didn't want to admit in writing how weak I am.
Recap:
Friday: a generally fantastic night. Went to the student pub, saw, drank and chatted with many friends. Afterwards, went to a sports bar, then blondies, then a club....something I haven't done in ages. At the pub they had an eighties band and it was great. Truly a fun time. .....but for one problem. Timbuctoo. I mean really, do I even need to say it?
So I guess coming home felt kinda like a fresh start. I felt I had myself firmly in hand. But I guess not. I saw him at the pub and if I had just left without saying goodbye....but I didn't. I told him we were leaving for food and he pulled me aside to ask me what my phone number was again so he and his friend could meet up with us later....and then they did. And he and I and blondie were the last to leave the club...and so we dropped blondie off and the rest is history.
Honestly. I just don't know. I mean, I was wasted, which is probably why I didn't just make him go home. But I know that I was stubborn and resistant to him all the way home...not that he was being forceful, but I was just trying not to be close to him I think...
Anyway, the point is that this night was different because it was the first time he really seemed to be sad we weren't together. Truly sad, in that feelings kind of way. Not just saying it. He kept trying to get me to tell him I loved him and I know I wouldn't....not so much cuz I don't as because I have not let myself entertain the idea, because it's been so long since I've been in love that I don't know what that means anymore, and because even if I was sure about it, telling him would probably just scare him away anyway.
Sigh. I wish I could remember more of the night. It was quite extreme if I remember correctly...I think we have hit a point where he either breaks up with his gf or we just don't see each other at all. Truly, I love being around him, even if I can't be with him, but we just don't have enough self control to do it. And I simply can't let this keep happening. The first time we hooked up was August! That makes this the longest relationship I've had in like five years. Ridiculous....
And really, I'm starting to get annoyed, I mean clearly it is my own fault that I don't just tell him to leave, but why does he keep coming back? I mean I know it's hard to leave someone you've been with for nearly a decade, but what is keeping you there? I am soo allowing myself to be used right now. Even if he's not being malicious, that's what's happening. As long as I keep allowing him physical access to me, he doesn't have to break up with her....he gets to have his cake and eat it too. I suck.
And it's killing my concentration at other things...I just feel kinda depressed and don't want to work....why am I soooooo weak!
On the other hand, as I failed to have any morals/balls on Friday yet again, perhaps I just didn't want to admit in writing how weak I am.
Recap:
Friday: a generally fantastic night. Went to the student pub, saw, drank and chatted with many friends. Afterwards, went to a sports bar, then blondies, then a club....something I haven't done in ages. At the pub they had an eighties band and it was great. Truly a fun time. .....but for one problem. Timbuctoo. I mean really, do I even need to say it?
So I guess coming home felt kinda like a fresh start. I felt I had myself firmly in hand. But I guess not. I saw him at the pub and if I had just left without saying goodbye....but I didn't. I told him we were leaving for food and he pulled me aside to ask me what my phone number was again so he and his friend could meet up with us later....and then they did. And he and I and blondie were the last to leave the club...and so we dropped blondie off and the rest is history.
Honestly. I just don't know. I mean, I was wasted, which is probably why I didn't just make him go home. But I know that I was stubborn and resistant to him all the way home...not that he was being forceful, but I was just trying not to be close to him I think...
Anyway, the point is that this night was different because it was the first time he really seemed to be sad we weren't together. Truly sad, in that feelings kind of way. Not just saying it. He kept trying to get me to tell him I loved him and I know I wouldn't....not so much cuz I don't as because I have not let myself entertain the idea, because it's been so long since I've been in love that I don't know what that means anymore, and because even if I was sure about it, telling him would probably just scare him away anyway.
Sigh. I wish I could remember more of the night. It was quite extreme if I remember correctly...I think we have hit a point where he either breaks up with his gf or we just don't see each other at all. Truly, I love being around him, even if I can't be with him, but we just don't have enough self control to do it. And I simply can't let this keep happening. The first time we hooked up was August! That makes this the longest relationship I've had in like five years. Ridiculous....
And really, I'm starting to get annoyed, I mean clearly it is my own fault that I don't just tell him to leave, but why does he keep coming back? I mean I know it's hard to leave someone you've been with for nearly a decade, but what is keeping you there? I am soo allowing myself to be used right now. Even if he's not being malicious, that's what's happening. As long as I keep allowing him physical access to me, he doesn't have to break up with her....he gets to have his cake and eat it too. I suck.
And it's killing my concentration at other things...I just feel kinda depressed and don't want to work....why am I soooooo weak!
posted by Camel at 4:52 p.m.
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