why me?
today was a real eye opener for me. It's not like much differed from any other friday. But note that is is 11pm and i am home. And what's key here is that no one else is with me.
I don't know if it is because Timbuctoo decided to show a little spine tonight and didn't hit on me or if it is because he just couldn't for some other reason. But regardless...it had some kinda effect on me.
True enuf I hate admitting my weaknesses...despite my penchance for claiming weakness...but here it is..
arrived at the pub and after about half an hour saw his gf come in. She looked so happy and good. I just wanted to watch her all the time. She looked so pretty.
Eventually he appeared...tho I can't say he made any effort to speak with me...and eventually I sought him,....and then shied away until at some point I bought him some shots to say happy birthday and finally had a few minutes of him and him alone. Apparently I really wanted that.
And we chatted briefly, deciding what to drink to and I remember only him objecting to me wanting to drink to something good happening in my life. He took offense of course, as I'm sure I wanted him too....surprised he couldn't be counted. At which point I told him straight. "I can't count as good something I can't have." I think this sobered him a bit.
Anyway, we left eventually, and I can't lie. I kept looking at my phone, wishing he'd call...even now....at 11pm....but the truth is that why would he. She is there. She is real. She stood close to him and looked happy. And beautiful. And he. He is not sad. He is not tortured. He is just bored, if anything. And all that will happen to this. For all his drunken words, is that he will realize how lucky he is and forget me. Which is what he should...and what I am always so close to telling him.
Today, more than any other night I realized just how far from being mine he really is. That he likes to be around me is so little of the equation. His friends, his whole world is her. And I will always be just that little ounce of better that wasn't worth risking everything for. I'm not stupid. I've never tried to tell myself I'm any more than this. But only tonight did I really feel him choose her over me....
I sit here, hoping against hope that she has gone home and that he will call me. Want to see me. But I know that I'm a fool. I know because deep down I don't pretend. Won't pretend. I hate myself for not ending things on my terms. But at least I can say I didn't pretend. At least I can say that I supported him doing what made him happy.
I don't know if it is because Timbuctoo decided to show a little spine tonight and didn't hit on me or if it is because he just couldn't for some other reason. But regardless...it had some kinda effect on me.
True enuf I hate admitting my weaknesses...despite my penchance for claiming weakness...but here it is..
arrived at the pub and after about half an hour saw his gf come in. She looked so happy and good. I just wanted to watch her all the time. She looked so pretty.
Eventually he appeared...tho I can't say he made any effort to speak with me...and eventually I sought him,....and then shied away until at some point I bought him some shots to say happy birthday and finally had a few minutes of him and him alone. Apparently I really wanted that.
And we chatted briefly, deciding what to drink to and I remember only him objecting to me wanting to drink to something good happening in my life. He took offense of course, as I'm sure I wanted him too....surprised he couldn't be counted. At which point I told him straight. "I can't count as good something I can't have." I think this sobered him a bit.
Anyway, we left eventually, and I can't lie. I kept looking at my phone, wishing he'd call...even now....at 11pm....but the truth is that why would he. She is there. She is real. She stood close to him and looked happy. And beautiful. And he. He is not sad. He is not tortured. He is just bored, if anything. And all that will happen to this. For all his drunken words, is that he will realize how lucky he is and forget me. Which is what he should...and what I am always so close to telling him.
Today, more than any other night I realized just how far from being mine he really is. That he likes to be around me is so little of the equation. His friends, his whole world is her. And I will always be just that little ounce of better that wasn't worth risking everything for. I'm not stupid. I've never tried to tell myself I'm any more than this. But only tonight did I really feel him choose her over me....
I sit here, hoping against hope that she has gone home and that he will call me. Want to see me. But I know that I'm a fool. I know because deep down I don't pretend. Won't pretend. I hate myself for not ending things on my terms. But at least I can say I didn't pretend. At least I can say that I supported him doing what made him happy.
posted by Camel at 10:52 p.m.
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