drama queen

I feel it today...that desperation....not quite for drama...but for attention.

I should be patient. Though God knows I've been more than patient already. Whenn I ask myself if he deserves me keeping my options open, the answer is yes....but when I ask myself if he deserves me actively increasing my interaction with Jaxx, the answer is no. But I still really want to.

Is it just Jaxx? Or is it me? I feel like when I meant Timbuctoo that I made a big deal out of it, how great we were together and how much I felt for him. That hasn't changed. I still want him with me and am sad when he isn't. The difference is that I am frustrated by his inability to make the final move, fearful that I am wrong about us (though at the same time, sure I am not), and worst of all, so at peace when I'm with Jaxx.

The great thing about hanging out with Jaxx (and his friends) is that I don't have to worry about what my friends are thinking or about not mentioning Timbuctoo the wrong way (they don't know him really). And Jaxx makes me laugh....and he is smart and opinionated so being around him isn't boring. I guess that's part of it. Timbuctoo is not boring but when he's with me, it's just me and him. I can sit on the patio with Jaxx and company and just laugh the evening away.

But it's more than that. I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit that the stoic sadness in his eyes when we part doesn't make me want to pull him to me and squeeze. When our eyes meet, I have a hard time looking away. There's this quiet passion to him that takes my breath away. And hanging out with him, it's intoxicating. I really do just like being around him. He hints very infrequently and very subtly that he would still be with me if I wanted him to, or give me a private concert if I wanted one and I feel like a horrible person when I take these things lightly and laugh them off.

I enjoyed our night together and I'm sorry that he and I never had a chance to be together. He's not Timbuctoo, I KNOW that Timbuctoo is the person I want to grow old with. But I do truly wish that I had had a chance to explore Jaxx and his passion.

Intoxicating.