Thursday, December 14, 2006

Dear Jaxx

Dear Jaxx,

unless I make a serious mistake, or we get drunk and have a heart to heart, you'll never hear this. And to be perfectly honest, that eats at my love for Timbuctoo like an acid. The truth is that if not for him, I'd have let you follow me home. Truth is that I've longed to see you smile at me since the day we met. Truth is that I'm as interested as I sometimes appear to be.

But the real truth is that I've committed to someone else. It makes me ache to feel that I'll never get to know what could have been between us. And it makes me ache to know that I say this while Timbuctoo goes home to someone else. And it makes me ache to know thata that I fantasize about something between us. I fantasize about him ending things with me. I fantasize about me making a mistake.

I love him. I do. I know that I can love him forever if he lets me. But on a very short list of regrets, you are a bold name.

I love to see you smile tonight. I loved to watch your slender tallness dance. I loved be in your gaze. You have a special quality of making each person you talk to feel like the center of the universe, and I know that you may not see me as I see you. And you may even still be with that kind and gentle soul. But I have always wanted to stand on my toes and tilt my head to your lips. And I just wish you could know.

I wish that you wouldn't believe that I send you mixed signals. Or that I won't someday say "no" and have to stumble over the why I feel you deserve. I wish that the world were simple and I could be with you for a moment.

I don't feel like we could be forever; I just feel like we should be somehow, somewhere. But I can't do that to him. After all we've done. Even if we were real, I couldn't.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

ew! stop, drop, roll. gf, you on fire and need dousin.

whoever this buckaroo dude is, he's taken, will prolly stay taken and you would do well to jump jaxx rfn

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