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Last night was quite a night. I don't know what to do with myself....whether things went well or if I seemed a fool.....
I don't know what to say. Last night I happened to run into Jaxx....who is just as charming and sweet as ever. And I was honest with Timbuctoo, who also happened to be out, and asked him if he could let me have some time with Jaxx, who I felt I needed to create some closure with. He didn't like it, but he knew it was important to me and gave me that.
Jaxx's smile melts me. I love to look at him, he has the most lovely lithe body too. Anyway, I wandered around the bar we had both had planned to go to, looking for him...and thought he wasn't there...I'd really given up when I looked over and there he was. So I went over and chatted with him, and he bought me a drink and then we went and danced a bit.....Timbuctoo was there, dancing and he was so good. I didn't like subjecting him to this, but I knew that I needed to find a way to tell Jaxx how I felt.
But then Jaxx just turned to me and said "you know, that night at the club, I got the feeling I should have made a move." It was lovely. I led him off the dance floor and got to say exactly what I wanted to say to him for so long. And he was so sweet and honest about it. I know I was probably a little to huggy, making it harder for him and Timbuctoo but I couldn't help it.
He said that even though things couldn't happen between us that it mattered to him that I knew. And he laughed and said even though we could have been great, we could have been horrible too. I like him so much. And I told him I was sorry that we couldn't happen, too many times. He said he was happy for me.
I wonder if I was too over the top though, tellign him that Timbuctoo was here and that he had let me talk to Jaxx. I wonder if he felt somewhat set up or led on. I hope not. And I also wonder if I didn't come off silly being so sincere about how sorry I was. I mean he never emailed me, never tried to be around me.....but I've always felt that he and I had chemistry...there's always been the feeling that he wanted to be around me but didn't really know how to do it casually. I hope that is the truth.
It was an important night. Timbuctoo earned so much respect. Though he did come in and posture a bit, it was not so much that I was angry....just enough to be annoyed, which is forgivable.
It was hard walking home with Timbuctoo that night, still feeling desire for Jaxx, and knowing that I had closed that door. Over the last few weeks I've been feeling so much doubt about me and Timbuctoo....about whether I am really as interested in him as I have led myself to believe....and I belive that I have made a good choice and that what I am feeling is the product of us being together for all intents and purposes for almost two years. But it is still hard. Now that I have committed to being with him, I feel myself struggling for freedom. Something so long forgotten.
Being with Timbuctoo is right. I know finding another person who fits me like he does would be near impossible. I know doubts will always exist. But I need to choose. And I have.
But that doesn't mean that I am not going to spend all day thinking about Jaxx and my doubts abotu Timbuctoo....sigh.
I don't know what to say. Last night I happened to run into Jaxx....who is just as charming and sweet as ever. And I was honest with Timbuctoo, who also happened to be out, and asked him if he could let me have some time with Jaxx, who I felt I needed to create some closure with. He didn't like it, but he knew it was important to me and gave me that.
Jaxx's smile melts me. I love to look at him, he has the most lovely lithe body too. Anyway, I wandered around the bar we had both had planned to go to, looking for him...and thought he wasn't there...I'd really given up when I looked over and there he was. So I went over and chatted with him, and he bought me a drink and then we went and danced a bit.....Timbuctoo was there, dancing and he was so good. I didn't like subjecting him to this, but I knew that I needed to find a way to tell Jaxx how I felt.
But then Jaxx just turned to me and said "you know, that night at the club, I got the feeling I should have made a move." It was lovely. I led him off the dance floor and got to say exactly what I wanted to say to him for so long. And he was so sweet and honest about it. I know I was probably a little to huggy, making it harder for him and Timbuctoo but I couldn't help it.
He said that even though things couldn't happen between us that it mattered to him that I knew. And he laughed and said even though we could have been great, we could have been horrible too. I like him so much. And I told him I was sorry that we couldn't happen, too many times. He said he was happy for me.
I wonder if I was too over the top though, tellign him that Timbuctoo was here and that he had let me talk to Jaxx. I wonder if he felt somewhat set up or led on. I hope not. And I also wonder if I didn't come off silly being so sincere about how sorry I was. I mean he never emailed me, never tried to be around me.....but I've always felt that he and I had chemistry...there's always been the feeling that he wanted to be around me but didn't really know how to do it casually. I hope that is the truth.
It was an important night. Timbuctoo earned so much respect. Though he did come in and posture a bit, it was not so much that I was angry....just enough to be annoyed, which is forgivable.
It was hard walking home with Timbuctoo that night, still feeling desire for Jaxx, and knowing that I had closed that door. Over the last few weeks I've been feeling so much doubt about me and Timbuctoo....about whether I am really as interested in him as I have led myself to believe....and I belive that I have made a good choice and that what I am feeling is the product of us being together for all intents and purposes for almost two years. But it is still hard. Now that I have committed to being with him, I feel myself struggling for freedom. Something so long forgotten.
Being with Timbuctoo is right. I know finding another person who fits me like he does would be near impossible. I know doubts will always exist. But I need to choose. And I have.
But that doesn't mean that I am not going to spend all day thinking about Jaxx and my doubts abotu Timbuctoo....sigh.
posted by Camel at 11:52 a.m.
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