oh give me a home....

whew...the world feels like its spinning faster than normal. Time is going by too fast...how does that happen? I finally had a night of hanging out with Pop, it's been sooo long. And it was just like it always is. He's a great friend. Listened, actually listened, to me list my insecurities and told me why I should chill out. I sincerely hope I didn't hurt him by telling him that the girl he's been dating might be crazy.....I hope he kinda picked up on already...I really truly just wanted to warn him...sigh...that's what I get for telling him while I'm drunk....

Anyway, lots of things on my mind:
-guilt that I haven't phoned Mr. M yet...I just can't seem to get going on it
-guilt for spending WAY too much money. Too much booze. Too many toys and books
-guilt for flirting with boys I can't have
-frustration at not being able to stop biting my nails
-guilt for not working on my thesis project enuf

I guess that about sums it up. I got an email from Timbuctoo, totally casually mentioning he'd be out on Friday night, should I be going too and saying that his ball team might need girls this weekend if I'm interested. I was shamefully thrilled to hear from him and may have checked my email for the rest of the day hoping to get a reply to my reply. I'm such a loser. On the bright side I've convinced myself quite successfully that I would never date him. Which is good. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I've got the physical me under much better control than I used to. Score a point for me.

Last night was touch and go though. There was a point when Cody left the table and I sorta followed him so that I could "chat" with him alone...kinda hoping he'd make a move on me. Good thing he was drunker than me - he probably doesn't remember. Sometimes I just can't believe that people don't come up to me the next day and ask me what the hell I was doing. In my mind, I was totally all over him. But maybe it wasn't so bad. Same with Timbuctoo....

I think I was fine with Cody until I got really drunk...on the third macho Corona (HUGE)....at which point everyone was a little intoxicated so maybe their powers of observation also failed...but it was really only then that I stopped talking to everyone else...and then someone suggested pool at which point I just kept standing next to him so he could stroke my back (blissful) ....although now that I think about it, I'm sure I was grabbing his leg at some point....well anyway, he was my pool partner so maybe that's acceptable behavior. Ha.

Ah well, maybe he's into me, maybe he's not...maybe I'm not into him...hard to say...but I'll say this...if this week has shown me anything, it's that I've missed gentle touches. It sure is nice to have someone put their arms on your shoulders or to touch your back.

I don't think Mr. M is capable of that. He's not rough or anything but he's not ....loving...and perhaps that's why I'm not missing him...maybe because I felt like his desire for me was purely physical...hmmm....

Well, I'm going to bed without doing my homework. Wish me luck getting up early to do it.