drain my soul

I think and think and think...and today I think things will get better.

I still fight with myself over whether I can think about, read about, sing along about Cody, but thankfully time CAN be a causal agent in some cases...I'm getting there...I am.

Smiley and I talked last night. It's funny how I couldn't be honest with him about why I'm so depressed...I mean I was, I just left out the Cody bit....but discussing other things was helpful...

I realized today that I have begun considering time not spent working when I have work to do a waste. And so even when I can't concentrate I'm sitting in front of my computer....trying to think....biting my nails....feeling frustrated and alone and bored....

And that's the rub. I'm bored. It's not Cody. It's me. He was like a little flame that went out too quick. Since my world has become my research I have no passion...and combined with getting no excercise, I'm pretty much a walking automaton....oh ya...and since boozing is the only thing I do that is at all exciting...which is higly dangerous...I mean really...I'm bored, booze makes things less boring, I do stupid things, I feel bad later....sounds like a bad idea....sigh.

I just want to be happy to go home again.